Here I am sitting in bed, I have to work tomorrow and my stress levels are high. Just took my medicine and I hate that I have to take it. T.V. is blaring pretty loud and I can faintly hear my boyfriend and his two kids out in the living room playing. I feel pretty shitty right now. Just left my bedroom for a minute and anger took over my whole body and my blood boiled after seeing him texting the mother of his children. I’m so selfish and I am very aware of it.
We have been dating a year now and when I first met him, I fell so deeply in love, hes perfect for me in so many ways. So spiritually connected, our souls dance together. Around four months after dating, I met his kids, at the time they were 1 and 2. Still so young, still a lot for me to take in. I always told myself and others, “I will never date a guy with kids” and I literally swore by it. I would turn down any guy that had kids instantly. There was something different with my boyfriend because I was the happiest I had been in a very long time. We stayed up late every night and could not get enough of each other and just talk and talk about our lives. He didn’t talk about his kids much at all though, like never. I guess I was so caught up in him that I didn’t think about asking about them much.
It was great at first because I would come over to his house and we rarely saw the kids and I didn’t really have the responsibility yet. A few more months pass by and we decide to have him move into my apartment, we were absolutely crazy about each other and we still are, with some issues. After moving in, he decided to take the kids more often now that he felt settled and not living with his crazy roommates. After the kids started coming over, I started to get a lot of anxiety and a lot of jealousy run through my mind and body. It almost feels as if evil takes over my Being and who I truly am and its strong enough for me to distance myself. I felt that pressure of being a “step-mom” really fast and it came on strong. I was still the party girl that met him through partying and I wasn’t ready in any way shape of form for kids yet. I am still immature myself, in some ways and mature in others.
Why am I having such a hard time? It’s a year later and I am still this way.. but I only feel it getting worse. I feel like I can’t handle kids or something but I babysat my family in my past, so why is it still SO hard? I know that I am jealous because they aren’t my kids and I wish we could have had our first child together and went through it later in life, when I was ready. That’s selfish of me. Why do I think this way? The kids’ mother is so beautiful and such a good mom, and here I am jealous and distant. I have the hardest time communicating and talking to the kids because I stop myself and I don’t know why. I always wonder how other step-moms do it and how they can step up without all of these thoughts 24-7. Just thinking about having to go through having my boyfriend and her communicate for the next 18 years eats away at me. Shelbey, its a part of life, a lot of people do it! I keep telling myself this over and over but my emotion still overcomes whats best to do.
I hide. I come in my room and I hide. I don’t want to call it hiding but that’s what I am doing and I sit here and get angry with myself for doing it. My boyfriend knows exactly how I feel and I feel bad for him. He deserves better. Someone who can take care of his kids and really handle them without all of these emotions and fear. He always tells me he doesn’t know if it will work out because of my jealousy issues and he thinks I “hate” his kids. I will never hate any child, I do know that. I love kids! I am just having a rough time being nurturing and acting like they are my own. This has been so hard and probably the biggest issue I have been going through the past six months. I love him, I love us together, but when the kids are over, its different and I feel like i’m alone and they’re a family in the living room. I hate it. I don’t know what to do.